Do you ever feel frustrated in a conversation because the other person is just not listening? You are putting your point of view in the clearest and, yes you got it, most obvious way possible, and they are just not seeing it. How often does that happen?

This used to happen with me more often, but still happens once in a while, especially in a contentious conversation. Why does it happen? Is the other person without brains? Are they upset? Am I upset and frustrated and maybe not communicating as well as I think I am?

Would you rather be able to handle such a situation and feel calm instead of tense when that happens? If yes, understand that there are many reasons this can happens (and it is quite common), but there is a simple and effective way to handle such a situation. It mainly applies to 1-1 conversation. So, if this is your situation, please read on.

A simple method that takes 1 minute to implement

Let us first talk about what does not work.

When somebody is not listening and I am frustrated, telling them they are not listening in an angry way does not help (generally). Anger is rarely effective to overcome anger.

One of the thing that does work (and what we are going to talk about in this article) is:

Take a pre-determined amount of time out (typically 1 minutes, but up to 5 minutes once you have practiced), and don’t focus on your point of view during that time out. Instead focus on other’s point of view (as if they were right).

Here are a couple of way to spend this time:

• Contemplate on the other‘s point of view. Assume (only for one minute) that they are right, and then become curious how they are right!
• Become mindful of your own body and your own breath. Notice any bodily sensations you feel during this time. Maybe you feel tense in certain parts of your body — just notice it. Maybe you feel tingling in your hands — just notice it. Maybe you feel shortness of breath — just notice it. Feel free to refer to conscious breathing here: 5 ways to work with stress — in one minute or less. 

Things you don’t want to do during this time out:

• Thinking about how you will communicate your point of view better to convince the other person.
• Distracting yourself with something unrelated, in order to try to push this conversation out of your mind.

In particular, we want to stay with the conversation, but focus on the periphery — on your body response to the event, or other’s point of view. And once the timer has run out for the timeout (it is only 1 to 5 minutes), come back to the conversation. And carry on as usual.

If you see an impasse develop again, follow the same protocol again. Do the protocol one minute at a time, as often as needed.

Quick summary

This protocol is quite simple, and only thing you need is to be able to talk to the other person about taking a minute off (and tell them why are taking the time off). Ideally, this protocol should be set during a time of calm when you are not upset, but if you can do it when you are upset and frustrated, it can work effectively as well.

The beauty of this method is that the other person does not have to agree to do anything. They just need to give you a minute of time. They don’t have to follow the same protocol. Only you have to do it. And even if you don’t want to discuss the protocol with them, you can take one minute time out for the sake of going to the bathroom. And you can take care of this business instead of the other business. 🙂

If you want to follow the second way of spending the 1 minute above, it helps to learn some mindfulness practices. Meditation practices help too. In particular, Vipassana meditation teaches to observe sensations equanimously in the body without needing to do anything about them. But you can just do simple conscious breathing too.

It’s not easy, but it’s worth it

When we are in a state of anger and frustration, we typically don’t want to change our approach. We want to keep hammering on (in the same way) to get past it that got us in that state to being with. Somebody (probably not Einstein) has said:

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results

Don’t be insane. Change what you put in (behavior), so you can change what you get out (outcome).

It is easier said than done. When we are upset and angry, System 1 of our brain (quick, emotional side) is in charge. It does not want to lose the control to give way to System 2 (slow, processing side). It takes practice, and as mentioned above, regular mindfulness practice can help with this.

But it is worth doing it.

Action step

Can you think of a situation or conversation where you tend to get carried away? Do it right now.

Can you apply this method next time you find yourself in that conversation? If you take a minute now to simulate how you will apply in real life, you are more likely to remember to apply and succeed.

So, how are you going to apply this in your own life?